Post Suicide Hotline Phone Call:
I try to not call the suicide hotline, but honestly it's really helpful. I don't want to take away from the TRULY suicidal people.
And it's grey. Sometimes I kinda want to die. Sometimes I really want to die, and sometimes I just have no idea how I'm going to make it through the night so I call. And if I didn't get through would I have killed myself? Most nights - probably not. Potentially some nights. Typically no. But, I call when life is unbearable, and this year, that is a lot.
This operator is truly helpful. Topics discussed: family, expectations, feeling alone.
Questions I have about life:
Where does feeling alone come from? What do I do about it?
How do I create a family?
Have I pushed away my biological family for reasons I agree with?
What expectations do I have that are unrealistic and end up pushing people away?
If I have a need for consistency and stability, are there multiple ways to meet that?
When did I start believe that I'm "super fucked up" and "really bad" at relationships. Would E agree? No, she wouldn't. She would say that I'm dealing with a SHIT ton of bad stuff and I'm doing fucking fuck and fuck everyone else if they think anything else. She would think of course it's okay to struggle a lot and who wouldn't. Who wouldn't. Thanks, E. Even when I don't call you your words matter. Or your heart, the bit of heart you've let me borrow while we're in this world. It's one of the few hearts I can count on and I don't know what the fuck I'd do without you. That is one true love. If I did anything in my life; I loved E. Without (many) expectations. Without clinging (much) or distancing (much).
Is it crazy that I want a family? Is it just some trauma wound? Is that a terrible goal? Will I ever trust myself again?
I'm not sure but this diary seems important. To see how/if I evolve. Or if I don't, or if I'm just swirling around in the universe constantly changing, believing the other side of the coin never existed.
I try to not call the suicide hotline, but honestly it's really helpful. I don't want to take away from the TRULY suicidal people.
And it's grey. Sometimes I kinda want to die. Sometimes I really want to die, and sometimes I just have no idea how I'm going to make it through the night so I call. And if I didn't get through would I have killed myself? Most nights - probably not. Potentially some nights. Typically no. But, I call when life is unbearable, and this year, that is a lot.
This operator is truly helpful. Topics discussed: family, expectations, feeling alone.
Questions I have about life:
Where does feeling alone come from? What do I do about it?
How do I create a family?
Have I pushed away my biological family for reasons I agree with?
What expectations do I have that are unrealistic and end up pushing people away?
If I have a need for consistency and stability, are there multiple ways to meet that?
When did I start believe that I'm "super fucked up" and "really bad" at relationships. Would E agree? No, she wouldn't. She would say that I'm dealing with a SHIT ton of bad stuff and I'm doing fucking fuck and fuck everyone else if they think anything else. She would think of course it's okay to struggle a lot and who wouldn't. Who wouldn't. Thanks, E. Even when I don't call you your words matter. Or your heart, the bit of heart you've let me borrow while we're in this world. It's one of the few hearts I can count on and I don't know what the fuck I'd do without you. That is one true love. If I did anything in my life; I loved E. Without (many) expectations. Without clinging (much) or distancing (much).
Is it crazy that I want a family? Is it just some trauma wound? Is that a terrible goal? Will I ever trust myself again?
I'm not sure but this diary seems important. To see how/if I evolve. Or if I don't, or if I'm just swirling around in the universe constantly changing, believing the other side of the coin never existed.
Comments
Post a Comment