Why?

Why do you stay alive if so much of you life you hate living?

You resent your sickness, your relationships, even being alive.

You just want it to be over. You hate this.

You hate that you exist but you don't want to not exist so you're stuck.

You can't have hope forever, you're exhausted.

Killing myself, it's alluring but it's also not.

It would feel like failure.

But also not. Pity isn't attractive, but sometimes it's all I've got.

I keep my self-pitying body alive because I might as well. Because the alternatives are harrowing. Because someone inside me must have hope that things will get better, because to believe they will stay like this is

Not something I know how to accept.

Bargaining - if it was just my physical health. If it was just my emotional health.

It feels like something not all of me wants.

 How do I reconcile that life is actually hard? That right now everything feels horrible but later it will not feel this way.

I'm struggling to be alone right now. I want someone to wrap me up and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know it's a childish desire. And who can blame me?

Others have found a way to accept this harrowing reality. But, I don't want to - more so, I don't know how to.