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December 18, 2019

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Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition. - James Baldwin

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Relationships

I wonder if being in a relationship is really not so different than being single In terms of my approach My goal feels clarified -- How can I be most myself? How can I be my own primary partner while becoming deeply attached and devoted to another. M would hate the word devoted, I think. But she's surprising, I could be wrong. I see love like that, though. Not so much as inherently magical, but something that becomes magical as we both allow ourselves to follow our hearts, stay in line with our values, live out our truths alongside each other - bumping up against each other at times, and other times falling into a deep comfort and feelings of understood. Going away, coming back, letting go of needing to know, getting caught in needing to know But always coming to me To Us -- All of Us.

Another hotline night

Except that is was a warmline Except that I hung up on the hotlines Afraid I may have said too much and the police would be coming But too afraid to say, "I won't kill myself" because, I know that's where the conversation ends. I need support. I don't want to be screened for suicidal intentions, because sometimes I have them, but I wouldn't be on the phone if that's truly, wholly what I wanted to do. And it never has been truly, with my whole heart what I wanted. C stayed with me tonight. She could have been anywhere else when she answered that phone. I told her it was the first time all day I didn't feel crazy. This is a gift of immeasurable value to me. Validation seems like the wrong word. It's more like I want someone in my story - just as appalled and disgusted as I am, and any less feels like the gap between sane and crazy. A flat, "That's so hard." lands heavy on my chest. The heartbreak of feeling another

Why?

Why do you stay alive if so much of you life you hate living? You resent your sickness, your relationships, even being alive. You just want it to be over. You hate this. You hate that you exist but you don't want to not exist so you're stuck. You can't have hope forever, you're exhausted. Killing myself, it's alluring but it's also not. It would feel like failure. But also not. Pity isn't attractive, but sometimes it's all I've got. I keep my self-pitying body alive because I might as well. Because the alternatives are harrowing. Because someone inside me must have hope that things will get better, because to believe they will stay like this is Not something I know how to accept. Bargaining - if it was just my physical health. If it was just my emotional health. It feels like something not all of me wants. How do I reconcile that life is actually hard? That right now everything feels horrible but later it will not feel this w

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