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December 18, 2019

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Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition. - James Baldwin

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Another hotline night

Except that is was a warmline Except that I hung up on the hotlines Afraid I may have said too much and the police would be coming But too afraid to say, "I won't kill myself" because, I know that's where the conversation ends. I need support. I don't want to be screened for suicidal intentions, because sometimes I have them, but I wouldn't be on the phone if that's truly, wholly what I wanted to do. And it never has been truly, with my whole heart what I wanted. C stayed with me tonight. She could have been anywhere else when she answered that phone. I told her it was the first time all day I didn't feel crazy. This is a gift of immeasurable value to me. Validation seems like the wrong word. It's more like I want someone in my story - just as appalled and disgusted as I am, and any less feels like the gap between sane and crazy. A flat, "That's so hard." lands heavy on my chest. The heartbreak of feeling another...

What I'm doing

I can't say I know what I'm doing I pulled out my notebook with a sentence on top of each page "Just one sentence?" And that's all it took for me to stop writing. She knows shame, too. And this would be the last thing she intended, but my shame well runs deep. Just look at me with slightly off kilter eye contact and I'm convinced there's something wrong with me. It's not a new story It's an old one A tired one One worth tossing. This time last year I didn't even know it had taken up residence. This year it has a name; This year there is more choice.

Adjusting Expectations

Post Suicide Hotline Phone Call: I try to not call the suicide hotline, but honestly it's really helpful. I don't want to take away from the TRULY suicidal people. And it's grey. Sometimes I kinda want to die. Sometimes I really want to die, and sometimes I just have no idea how I'm going to make it through the night so I call. And if I didn't get through would I have killed myself? Most nights - probably not. Potentially some nights. Typically no. But, I call when life is unbearable, and this year, that is a lot. This operator is truly helpful. Topics discussed: family, expectations, feeling alone. Questions I have about life: Where does feeling alone come from? What do I do about it? How do I create a family? Have I pushed away my biological family for reasons I agree with? What expectations do I have that are unrealistic and end up pushing people away? If I have a need for consistency and stability, are there multiple ways to meet that? When d...

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